Skulduggery Pleasant - Fun times guaranteed! Mostly
by FunkyRaz
Summary: This is just a collection of drabbles to help me get over TDOTL. Valduggery is going to be my main ship, but if you like, I may do requests of pairings or stories, since I am bound to run out of ideas. I hope you enjoy these. DEREK LANDY HAS GIVEN ME A WHOLE NEW WORLD! I own nothing. M to be ok. This is not a good summary, but I think the stories are better. I think. R & R!
1. Chapter 1

Valkyrie ran.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

They were on a mission to find the murderer of Dana Song, a powerful adept. It had taken an impossibly long time to track Billy-Ray Sanguine down, and then the damn guy decided to send 2 vampires after her. And only her, because Skulduggery wasn't there. She lost sight of him when he told her to run while he held Sanguine off.

Fat lot of good that did for both us, thought Valkyrie. Where is he?

The vampires, a man and woman, were steadily gaining on Valkyrie as she ran on a narrow, cobbled road, clad in her black armored clothes that Ghastly made. They were tight on her figure, hugging her all the right places. Even Skulduggery had to admit she looked stunning.

Where the hell was he?

It was almost sundown, when the vampires caught up with her. They were silent and agile, and they leaped at her in unison. She smashed her forehead into the male vampire's face, and tried to flip him over her hip, but he was too fast, and quickly got to his feet. The female vampire snarled at her. Valkyrie gripped the shadows and threw them in spikes, but the vampires darted away at the last moment, knowing they could afford to play with her. Not even a scratch. She snapped her palms against the air, shifting it in a way that should have blown them far away from her, but all they did was stagger. Suddenly Valkyrie knew she wasn't going to win this. She wasn't near a sea to throw them in, she had no reinforcements, and Skulduggery was who knows where.

But she was not going down without a fight.

On the horizon, Valkyrie saw the one and only Skeleton Detective flying towards her, in a dashing black pinstriped suit, hat slanting at a rakish angle. If this wasn't serious, he would be boosting his enormous ego right now. His head tilted to the side. She knew his eternal grin had something behind it.

Worry.

He wasn't going to make it in time.

Valkyrie splayed her hands, trying to push the vampires away with the air, but they were too skilled to be deterred. She clicked her fingers, nursed twin flames in both hands and threw them at the vampires, but nevertheless, they got closer to her. When there was only one vampire in front of her, as dizzy as she was, she knew something was wrong. Then the female vampire came up from behind, ripped off her jacket, and threw her into a wall at the end of the street.

The pain was unbearable. It shot through her system like thousands of daggers had pierced her all over. They probably had. She was seconds away from unconsciousness. Valkyrie sluggishly checked her injuries. Broken ribs, broken wrist, shattered pelvic bone, twisted ankle and tons of bruises and cuts. She wasn't doing too well, she thought to herself.

In the distance, she saw Skulduggery fighting the vampires. They were fast and skilled, but after all six shots from his revolver were gone, they both twitched quietly on the cobblestoned road, which was covered in blood from when Valkyrie had to fight them. The vampires lay still. Skulduggery started towards Valkyrie, who at that moment was an unmoving shape, crumpled in the wall that collapsed with the sheer force she hit it with.

"Valkyrie" Shouted Skulduggery's velvety voice.

Suddenly he started running towards her.

"VALKYRIE" he shouted again.

Valkyrie didn't know what was wrong until hands grabbed her and she saw cracks appear in the ground.

"Hello lil' darlin'."

Oh, hell.


	2. Oh, hell part 2

**AN: Hope you enjoyed the last chapter! I know, it was a bit short and I left you on a cliffhanger…. But I'm back!**

**Thanks to my first reviewer, DeadGirl19 ! I love her stories, they inspired me to start writing on FF! **

**This chapter is rated M. You have been warned.**

**Damn plot bunnies…. They all disappear when I need them.**

**Read & Review!**

She woke up in a brightly lit cave, and was shackled to the wall at her wrists and ankles, her feet touching the floor. The light blinded her when she took a peek, so she kept her eyes tightly shut. Suddenly it rushed back to her. Sanguine. Vampires. Skulduggery trying to get to her. Sanguine knocking her out and taking her underground. Valkyrie quickly checked herself. She was still injured. Valkyrie moaned in pain. She realized someone had changed her clothes. She was now wearing a black tank top and jeans, her protective clothes gone. Then someone cleared their throat.

She opened her eyes and saw Skulduggery sitting in front of her, shackled to a chair. His clothes were still immaculate, with just a few barely noticeable tears in the fabric. As he looked at her with his hollow eye sockets, she realized he had no hat.

"Now that you have decided to grace me with your presence, I would appreciate if you could help me think about how we're going to get the hell out of this place." He said, not moving. Valkyrie started to relax, comforted by the velvety feel of his voice.

"I'm sorry if I felt a bit sleepy after getting pummeled by vampires and knocked out by Sanguine, all because you didn't come at the nick of time. By the way, your hats gone."

"Valkyrie, you can't always depend on me to save the day. Oh, and excellent observation by a prime detective about the hat."

"Shut up. It takes one to know one... I know you can't always save me but it would be bloody handy."

They could hear a silent dripping of water somewhere in the cavern.

"Why do I have the feeling that we are going to be tortured?" Valkyrie said, trying to break the chains to no avail. Her wrists and ankles started to grow red and bruised.

"Because we probably are?" Skulduggery asked.

"Oh, cheers" muttered Valkyrie, flinging herself back and forth against the wall, making small cuts appear where the shackles were.

Abruptly they started hearing more than the patter of water. Footsteps.

Valkyrie glared towards the archway, bracing herself for what was to come.

Billy Ray Sanguine entered the room in a beige suit and the sunglasses he always wore. His straight razor peeked out of his suit pocket and he grinned at them.

"How are ya doin' in here? Don't be worryin', I made sure y'all got the mustiest room on offer," he said in his Texan drawl, grinning madly.

"What do you want Sanguine?" Said Skulduggery sharply.

"Not even a greetin'? That's just harsh," said Sanguine, feigning hurt. "I thought you were supposed to be more polite, maybe try to cut yourself some more time before I torture you."

"Torture us for what? It's not like we have information, and if we did we wouldn't give it to _you_. " Spat Valkyrie, trying once again to break her chains, but just getting cut even further.

"You see lil' darlin', I've been hired to make sure your good friend Skulduggery here gets what he deserves. He's not very well liked, now is he? So then I thought, well he's an expert at bein' tortured physically, but as I recall, he barely gets tortured mentally." Skulduggery tightened his grip on the chair, menacing shadows curling in his eye sockets.

"Sanguine, you wouldn't dare." said a venomous Skulduggery.

Billy –Ray went on like he hadn't heard him. "And suddenly, I had an idea," Valkyrie went cold. "Ever noticed how Skulduggery is softer around you? He always considers you, jokes with you, makes sure you're safe. Heck, if I didn't know any better, I'd say he lo-"

"Sanguine, shut the fuck up." He said with quiet, intimidating rage. The rage that is most feared.

"Why should I, you bag of bones? It's not my fault you haven't told her yet is it? " Skulduggery remained silent. "Now if you won't show the lil' darlin' how much you love her, I can show her for you."

Valkyrie immediately stopped fighting against the chains and stared at Sanguine in horror.

"If you lay one finger on her I will kill you in the most painful way, you wouldn't think it was possible." Growled Skulduggery.

Sanguine put his index finger on Valkyrie's cheek while she screamed the words "IF YOU COME ANY CLOSER TO ME I WILL BITE YOU!" Billy-Ray just chuckle.

Skulduggery was still. All he said next was "Be brave." She could see the anguish in his skeletal features.

Valkyrie wanted to flail, to get out of the chains and run, but her arms and legs were tired from trying to break the chains earlier. Sanguine started kissing her neck. Valkyrie used her anger to fuel her energy, and kept trying to bite him.

"You shouldn't have done that, darlin'," Said Sanguine, lifting his left hand and punched her in the face.

Her head exploded and Valkyrie swore. She was sure her cheekbone was broken.

Sanguine continued kissing her neck and collarbones, and Valkyrie kept her gaze on Skulduggery. If she looked away from him, she was sure she would whimper. She was silent and rigid as Sanguine did these disgusting things to her.

"I see you don't seem to mind this too much," said Sanguine.

"On the contrary, I can't wait for a moment to bite your fucking head off," she swore.

"Language, darlin'. I ain't gonna let you enjoy this torture session," said the haughty Texan.

He took out his straight razor and held it to the front of Valkyrie's tank top. She paled.

"You are a filthy, disgusting man," Skulduggery whispered. He felt horrible for letting this happen to his partner.

Billy-Ray said nothing, cut Valkyrie's top open and ripped it off her.

She shivered immediately, exposed even more to the cold of the caves. A fierce blush rushed up her features. Of all days, this was the day she chose to wear the sexy underwear that Tanith picked for her? It was a lacy and black ensemble meant to accentuate her curves, not that they needed accentuating.

Skulduggery tried to break the chair and chains he was sitting in, but it was a match for his strength.

"DON'T DO THIS TO HER," he yelled.

Valkyrie was not happy about the situation whatsoever, but against all of her instincts to cry for help, all she said is "I'll be okay" as Sanguine cut through her bra.

It fell to the floor and her face was red as she felt the cold air on her chest. The Texan began kissing his way down slowly until he got to her breasts. Valkyrie felt dirty as he started feeling her up. She hated it every second but she started to feel something she didn't want to feel. Pleasure. She started to moan, then stopped herself and fought the urge to cry.

Skulduggery noticed the change in her demeanor and whispered one word. "Stop. Please. Leave her alone." He was shaking. Valkyrie looked away from him.

But Billy-Ray Sanguine went on, kissing her skin as he went downwards, sucking her breasts as Valkyrie tried not to make a sound. She hated him. She hated him with all her being. She tried to fight one more time, but then Sanguine sawed through the jeans, and she was mostly naked. Involuntarily, she let out a sob.

All she wore now was a pair of panties that matched her bra. She flailed with all the strength she could muster, and growled "Fuck. You." And then Sanguine reached in between her legs, found a nub, and started rolling it.

Valkyrie knew it was wrong, she wanted to claw at him and scrub herself clean of the dirtiness she felt, but at that moment Valkyrie moaned as the pleasure rolled through her. Then she started to cry. Tears of anger, pain and embarrassment left her eyes and she sobbed thickly, not even trying to hold back the whimpers.

"God, no. Valkyrie I'm so sorry," Skulduggery quaked in his seat.

Then Sanguine stopped. "I think I'm done with y'all. And just for the fun of it, I'm going to let the darlin' free, since she ain't gonna get up after all that." He took the shackles off her ankles and wrists. Valkyrie crumpled to the floor.

**AN: Cliffy! I'm so sorry about this, but it happened, so I'm just going to continue it soon. Don't worry Val will get better, maybe even realize her love for a certain detective?**

**XoXo**

**Razbery Out.**


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